A Test in Patience (and courage) Life on the Road

 If you are ever so inclined to test your patience level, all you need to do is drive down any main road in Miami. I kid you not, if untangling Christmas lights (or fetal monitoring cords) gives you anxiety, do not drive in Miami, because it is worse, I promise. 

I ventured out yesterday and it took me 33 minutes to drive 11 miles. I'm not the greatest driver, but I am a patient one. At least I was in NY. I have never missed Rochester roads like I have this week. In my opinion, the roads here make absolutely no sense. Each side of the road has 5 lanes...that alone should be enough to move traffic along, it is not. There is a median between left and right lanes on every main road, as if driving here isn't bad enough, if you pass your destination, you get to drive further ahead to make a left "U TURN" and pray to whoever you pray to that someone will let you get into the left turning lane, and then, wait for it, you get to make ANOTHER U TURN to get back to the right side of the road you want to be on...I know, mind blown right?  Here is my advice in Florida, if you see a place on your right that you wish to visit, do it as soon as you see it, because you will probably never be able to get back there easily again, or if your memory is like mine, you will forget where and what it was you saw in the first place. 

Which now brings me to my left turn rant. For the love of all that is holy, I have never feared a left turn as much as I do here. This is where courage comes in to play, I literally fear for my life with every left turn. You have 2 lanes with left "arrows." They last all of about oh maybe say 7 seconds, there are always at least 10 cars in the turning lanes... after that, you either sit for another eternity at the red light, or you put your life in danger and proceed to the middle of the intersection so that you can make that quick last minute left turn on the red light, with all the other cars that now have a green light beeping angrily at you or ready to run you down. Each light I think I see 2 or 3 cars sneak through this way, I sit back and shake my head...what else can I do? I'm sure not risking it, and then the driver behind me blares the horn again, at me for being the idiot who could have made the green arrow but didn't.  Then there is the lovely I95. It feels like a racetrack, my heart races, my stomach is usually in my feet. Speed limit ranges from 55-70 but traffic as always steadily at roughly 85-90, until there is a crash, then the speed limit is 5-10, with no way out, bumper to bumper. It is always midway to my destination that I question my sanity in traveling and driving in Florida. I don't want to mention the gas prices, but I am sometimes tempted to shut my car off and just sit and wait, I mean I just paid $5.69 a gallon, but let's not talk about that. 

Lastly, I would like to talk about walking in Miami. By the beaches there is no choice, but again, no one wants to slow down to let you cross the street (even though they are sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic) so you say a Hail Mary every single time, and again, the horns blaring. If you love frogger, walking in Miami is definitely for you because that my friend is what it feels like.  Imagine it, 10 beautiful lanes to cross in 13 seconds, better get a pep in your step or you get to stand in the median like some kind of fool and sometimes you just wave at the drivers like "Hello, Hi, yes I ran out of time to cross the mile long highway!!!" At every light, I imagine I am in the middle of a game of frogger, but it is not nearly as fun as it is to play on a video screen. 

The locals say I will get used to it, and I sure hope they are right. But today I stayed in, and I can honestly say, I did not miss driving at all. 

If you have read this far, I thank you, please be sure to follow me it would mean a lot!
With so Much Love, 
LB

The Open Trail

It was June 23,2019 when I first found the open trail. 

I was going through a lot at this time in my life. I had moved from my suburban home to a luxury apartment, it was time to finally take care of myself on my own. Remember the empty nest? This was the next phase. It was important for me to move on. There are a million different reasons, but I do not feel the need to explain, suffice it to say it was time for me to pull up my big girl pants and move along.

I set up a family day with my children, my mother's birthday is June 21st, and I was feeling the way I usually feel in June...awful...My mother's birthday, and the end of my marriage on my 10th anniversary on June 27th...what a fun week. I curse my brains muscle memory to remember tragic events but never remember why I walked into the next room. Maybe it was miscommunication, maybe I'm just not the best person to be around in June...maybe a bit of both but it was finally brought to light that January and June are my absolute worst months, and I need to be as good to myself as possible and not put others in my line of fire. Me being me with my big grand family ideas of course I set up a "family day" ... this day did not go as planned...all I can say is I left abruptly, cried all the way home yelled at my grown children, basically making them all think I had indeed gone mad. After this tantrum that I'm not at all proud of I did what I could to reinvent myself so that I would never feel this way again. I remember going to sleep that night and promising myself that I would find a better way to deal with my grief.

Because of this day I found the open trail. It was in my backyard! The first time I hit the trail I ran 5 miles. Okay, I didn't run, I walked most of it, but I ran sprints in between. I had never felt this good in my life, I never thought I was a trail person, but here I was, feeling better than I ever have. It was this day I realized that the open trail was as important to me as breathing. It is hard to explain. I walk down the road, less than 1/4 mile, and when my feet finally hit the trail it's like I become someone else. My feet hit the trail and my music is on, my mind is clear, and I feel like I can conquer the world. I spend the next hour, sometimes two, processing the past few days, daydreaming up big ideas, and it is the most exhilarating feeling I have ever known. 

There are times that I am sure I self-sabotage, because after about 4 months I took a break from the trail even though I knew in my mind it would not be good for me. I lasted almost through October and it had started to get dark earlier and it was cold. Days turned into weeks, then months until of course the dreaded cycle starts all over again. 

Of course, I have no idea where I was going with this story, except to remind myself and others that  self care is important. We spend our days taking care of everyone around us, that it is so easy to forget that we need to take care of ourselves too. In order for the heart to feed the rest of the body it needs to feed itself first, we should all take that advice from the heart. 

To this day I hop on the trail, not as often as I would like, but some is better than none. With all that said, I'm going to pack up and find a trail nearby. 

Make it a great Day!!!
LB

First a Single Mom and then the Empty Nest

 I think I was a really good Mom. What bothers me the most about this statement is that I always have to preface this sentence with "I think."  I have come to the conclusion that almost all mothers at some time in their life will feel this way. Do you ever watch a movie or television show and the breakfast is an amazing Sunday brunch every single day? I'm talking eggs and bacon and pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice...oh you want cereal or toast instead, I got that too...you get the picture. Do you know I still watch things like this and wish I did better? Regret is a huge waste of time, I know this now, but I still have many regrets of the mother I was because it was not supposed to be that way. When I was young, I was going to be the best Mom in the universe...I mean, that is all ever I wanted, to be a Mom, to have children. Of course I would be the loving and cool Mom ... my house would be "the cool house" ...I'm not sure I was the cool house, but I did my best... I can say for certain that when I cooked dinner (which always included dessert) on the nights we didn't have baseball or football or lacrosse games that I did in fact cook enough for the entire neighborhood to eat with us if they were so inclined. My belief was that a home should always have enough dinner to feed the entire neighborhood if necessary.. to this day I struggle cooking for one, I might as well start my own meal service, Now I'm looking for a meal service for myself!!! 

I can ask my children what they remember and every one of them will have a different perception of our home life, many times, they have a different perception than I do, sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it is not, but such is life. 

Mornings were rough...sadly my boys were lucky if I woke them up with enough time to eat breakfast and pack their lunch... Hence my feeling of regret for the beautiful spread of breakfast in what seems like every tv show or movie I have ever watched. 

They tell you when you first have a baby how fast the time will go. I can tell you firsthand to heed the warning, because you will blink and 20+ years will pass you by in a matter of what feels like seconds. 

So... maybe by now you are asking what I really want to say? Maybe you don't even care, but I do, and I feel its worth a blog or we wouldn't be here. 

I was NOT ready for the empty nest. Not even a little bit... I had greater than 21 years to prepare...nope, not ready. How? How do you have children starting when you are 22 years old and not be ready for empty nest when you are in your 40s???  

I have caused a whole lot of ruckus since then...I feel bad for my kids...they did what I prepared them to do...they left home to be independent... I mean, they were raised by a very independent, wooden spoon wielding mother...go on, get out there, live your best life...but wait...I miss you so much...come back... 
One of my favorite movies has a similar quote:
We have so much time and so little to see. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.”
"don't ... stop ... come back.” – Willy Wonka

I never dated...truth be told, I never wanted to be divorced, but I did not have a choice in that. What I did want, was to raise my boys in the healthiest environment possible with both of their parents.  One day I might tell you about my childhood, but for now, suffice it to say, their young innocent beautiful lives were my priority, and I trusted no one with them but me, their father, and a select few family members. I worry sometimes that I may have not made the right choice, I think what this decision may have done was make my boys worry about me being alone and unhappy. I did not trust a stranger in my life with my children, that was that. 

When my last son left the house for good , I cried. 
I was happy for them, I truly was...but for me, I was not ready...I lost my identity...being Mom was natural, but who was I without them? 

I remember it was October. I checked my mail and there was a Christmas tree shops flyer. When I opened it they had a porch rug that said "A Witch and her little Monsters live here." I started to cry. I called my ex-husband and I said I was not ready for this, I'm crying over a halloween flyer... His answer to me was "I'm sorry, I knew this was going to be really hard on you. Just remember how much they love you...and that you are a really good Mom." A huge thank you to him for that. (I thought I hated him once,but isn't that love...I was thankful for him especially now) 

I am lucky. I raised some incredible sons. Do I worry about them? Of course I do...The Empty Nest gave me the strength I needed to get out here on the road. 

This past year has been hard on all of us with me traveling... as I navigate my life I am beyond thankful for my children, they do not know my childhood story that I owe them so they can somewhat relate with who I am and at some point I  need to tell them so they can understand me a bit better, but they love me, they put up with me, they forgive me for not always being present and they continue to make me so proud to be their Mom.  

With so much love
LB

A new year, a not so new me

Oh, what the years can do..."It took so long and went so fast" is a phrase I think of often. It can be used for almost anything, a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year, several years. Truth is, time is a thief and I have decided that it is time to stick with my bucket list, and blogging is at the top of my bucket list. I have learned the hard way that I need at least the first 3 weeks of January to get myself and my thoughts together. I used to think I suffered from seasonal depression. A few years ago, I realized that what I suffer from is the tragic memory of the loss of my mom on January 21st, 1990, when I was 24 years old. Yes, I was lucky to have her for 24 years. The tragedy was losing her when I was finally starting to appreciate her wisdom and all she sacrificed for her family. I won't dwell on the loss because that is not what she would ever want me to do. What my sweet mother would want me to do is to love myself and live my best life, there is no doubt in my mind she is with me still. 

As you can see it is the middle of March...It is also 10 years since I started this blog!!! I am still getting it together this year. What I am truly learning is to be gentle with myself. So today I have decided that there is so much beauty to be seen in this world, and I would like to share my stories. I am still getting used to life on the road, but I feel that there is a reason for everything and at this very moment I am exactly where I need to be. 

I hope you will enjoy my journey along with me. 

With so much Love, Lori