I think I was a really good Mom. What bothers me the most about this statement is that I always have to preface this sentence with "I think." I have come to the conclusion that almost all mothers at some time in their life will feel this way. Do you ever watch a movie or television show and the breakfast is an amazing Sunday brunch every single day? I'm talking eggs and bacon and pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice...oh you want cereal or toast instead, I got that too...you get the picture. Do you know I still watch things like this and wish I did better? Regret is a huge waste of time, I know this now, but I still have many regrets of the mother I was because it was not supposed to be that way. When I was young, I was going to be the best Mom in the universe...I mean, that is all ever I wanted, to be a Mom, to have children. Of course I would be the loving and cool Mom ... my house would be "the cool house" ...I'm not sure I was the cool house, but I did my best... I can say for certain that when I cooked dinner (which always included dessert) on the nights we didn't have baseball or football or lacrosse games that I did in fact cook enough for the entire neighborhood to eat with us if they were so inclined. My belief was that a home should always have enough dinner to feed the entire neighborhood if necessary.. to this day I struggle cooking for one, I might as well start my own meal service, Now I'm looking for a meal service for myself!!!
I can ask my children what they remember and every one of them will have a different perception of our home life, many times, they have a different perception than I do, sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it is not, but such is life.
Mornings were rough...sadly my boys were lucky if I woke them up with enough time to eat breakfast and pack their lunch... Hence my feeling of regret for the beautiful spread of breakfast in what seems like every tv show or movie I have ever watched.
They tell you when you first have a baby how fast the time will go. I can tell you firsthand to heed the warning, because you will blink and 20+ years will pass you by in a matter of what feels like seconds.
So... maybe by now you are asking what I really want to say? Maybe you don't even care, but I do, and I feel its worth a blog or we wouldn't be here.
I was NOT ready for the empty nest. Not even a little bit... I had greater than 21 years to prepare...nope, not ready. How? How do you have children starting when you are 22 years old and not be ready for empty nest when you are in your 40s???
I have caused a whole lot of ruckus since then...I feel bad for my kids...they did what I prepared them to do...they left home to be independent... I mean, they were raised by a very independent, wooden spoon wielding mother...go on, get out there, live your best life...but wait...I miss you so much...come back...
One of my favorite movies has a similar quote:
We have so much time and so little to see. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.”
"don't ... stop ... come back.” – Willy Wonka
I never dated...truth be told, I never wanted to be divorced, but I did not have a choice in that. What I did want, was to raise my boys in the healthiest environment possible with both of their parents. One day I might tell you about my childhood, but for now, suffice it to say, their young innocent beautiful lives were my priority, and I trusted no one with them but me, their father, and a select few family members. I worry sometimes that I may have not made the right choice, I think what this decision may have done was make my boys worry about me being alone and unhappy. I did not trust a stranger in my life with my children, that was that.
When my last son left the house for good , I cried.
I was happy for them, I truly was...but for me, I was not ready...I lost my identity...being Mom was natural, but who was I without them?
I remember it was October. I checked my mail and there was a Christmas tree shops flyer. When I opened it they had a porch rug that said "A Witch and her little Monsters live here." I started to cry. I called my ex-husband and I said I was not ready for this, I'm crying over a halloween flyer... His answer to me was "I'm sorry, I knew this was going to be really hard on you. Just remember how much they love you...and that you are a really good Mom." A huge thank you to him for that. (I thought I hated him once,but isn't that love...I was thankful for him especially now)
I am lucky. I raised some incredible sons. Do I worry about them? Of course I do...The Empty Nest gave me the strength I needed to get out here on the road.
This past year has been hard on all of us with me traveling... as I navigate my life I am beyond thankful for my children, they do not know my childhood story that I owe them so they can somewhat relate with who I am and at some point I need to tell them so they can understand me a bit better, but they love me, they put up with me, they forgive me for not always being present and they continue to make me so proud to be their Mom.
With so much love
LB
No comments:
Post a Comment